Stay Free My Misery
Perhaps the time has come for an incredibly emo blog post.
Today in the car my mom lectured me for snapping at her, for letting exasperation into my tone when I have to explain things to her that I felt could have been figured out on their own, for seeming to think I have a right to make her feel stupid. "There's no one else I ever spend time with who makes me feel so bad so much of the time," she said. "If something else is bothering you and you're taking it out on me -- then stop, just stop. It's not okay."
Right, if something else is bothering me. Right, taking it out on her. Well, she was indeed right that I had been obnoxious to her. What could I say? I suppose she was looking for something like "I'm sorry." But maybe I wasn't exactly sorry. Oh, sorry that I'd made her feel bad, sure; it's something I only do to her and to Liz, and at least Liz could escape by gradually fading out of touch with me but I guess my mom's pretty much stuck praying that someday I learn to stop myself from speaking until I can not sound exasperated. If I knew how to stop that, obviously I would. I guess I'm sorry I don't know how. Or something. But it felt like there was nothing I could say at the time that was real. So I just turned up the music and focused on singing along to hide. Which I'm sure she also found incredibly obnoxious.
But if she could possibly ask me what was wrong, then I don't think she understands. Look: people have been dumped before. Pretty much everyone I know has been dumped. I'm not looking for any special treatment or asking the world to tiptoe around me excusing everything I do. But I'm not sure that the people I talk to understand that every instant that I'm not curled up in a ball screaming is a minor triumph right now. And I don't want to talk about it, because there's nothing to talk about. I want to be distracted -- I want to go out to dinner and eat delicious food and talk about politics and religion, or worry about being on time for the train back from Kobe, or sing at the top of my lungs to Japanese rock songs while driving along trying not to fall into the river, or obsess over word puzzles or read about finite fields or watch sports or watch the Daily Show or take pictures...But I can't be doing that all the time! And whenever there's a gap, reality comes crashing down on me, and I start crying. It feels like it takes an almost infinite amount of emotional energy right now just to keep myself functional, and it feels like that will continue forever. I know it won't. But right now, looking forward, that's what I see. And it is just crushingly, crushingly tiring.
So no, Mom, I'm not taking out some minor annoyance at something else on you by snapping at you just to make myself feel better, like some entitled, thoughtless brat. Maybe this sounds like a pathetic excuse. But pardon me if on top of the endless energy I'm expending to keep myself from collapsing, I'm failing to fix all my character flaws right now. No, that doesn't make it right or good to make someone feel stupid. But perhaps, just perhaps, it makes it a little bit insensitive to take that lecturing tone with me, like I'm just treating people like shit because I think it's okay. Give me a little bit of credit. Of course it's not okay.
I'm just so fucking exhausted.
I suppose the moral is -- and it's an old one -- be careful what you wish for. Last June I wrote on here that when it was 12:34 and time to make a wish, I didn't know what to wish for. That was a lie. I say I was dumped but let's not play innocent here: I was distracted before Andrew was. I stopped giving him the majority of my emotional energy more than a year ago. And idiotically thought that I could get away with that and he would just sit around and wait for me. Well guess what: the gods of 12:34 are good at their job. They didn't hear Andrew in my wishes anymore and so they took him away. As, I can only assume, some sort of cruel punishment, because there's nothing real to replace him with. But I guess I deserved that. I guess I couldn't wish for everything at once without ending up with nothing.
But I was wrong. Can you hear me, O gods of 12:34? Are you reading this? It's too late...but I was wrong. Yes, I was distracted -- by my last semester of college, by my future, by my friends, by Japan...and distracted by tantalizing things that can only exist in alternate universes but would spontaneously combust and destroy themselves if I tried to pull them into this one. I neglected and took for granted what was real, in this universe. I was wrong. And now I want that future back. Okay, okay, I want to scream: I get it, I deserve this, this was inevitable, I've been at least as distant as he has, I've been daydreaming about other things, wondering whether this was really what I wanted -- I knew this was coming, I felt it for months, and didn't do anything real to stop it, I get that, I get it, this is the right thing right now, this is healthy, he needs the freedom to explore other relationships, form other connections, blah blah, yes, I agree, I know, I know, it's right, it's the only thing that's right...I get it...but...but just tell me, just promise me that the future that I had a year ago is still real. Just tell me I haven't really lost that. I can't have lost that. Tell me that this is just something we have to go through, so that there are no regrets...just tell me it was all still true...because I can't, I can't, I just can't have lost that. I can't. He can be with what's-her-name for a while if he wants. He can be with a dozen girls. He can do whatever the hell he wants right now. I'm in Japan, I have other things to think about, I have other friends, even other crushes, I can be okay for now -- maybe a break is even good for me too.
But,
We...
We'll still end up together...
Right?
Just tell me that. Because I have to believe that right now, because otherwise I can't find enough energy to keep from collapsing in on myself.
I haven't escaped the stage where I'm just waiting to wake up.
No, wrong: I think I'm just breaking out of that stage. I think I kept myself going for a while by honestly, in some way, believing I would wake up. And what I'm doing now is realizing that I won't.
But don't worry: I'm not about to go up to Okami Kouen and throw myself into the rocky ocean. I have an incredibly full life and zillions of distractions, people to talk to that I love, interesting things to think about, beautiful places to see, things to plan and look forward to.
And now, I suppose, something to wish for.
There is no other song:
闇の中に落ちて行けば忘れてしまうことなのかも
揺れる思い、つかの間の夢、小さな悲劇
降る星の数数えたら 泣くのに飽きだろう
笑う月の蒼さ傷をなでて閉じて行く
Stay free your misery, 降り注ぐ悲しみを その腕の中に抱きしめて
Kiss your misery, 枯れるまで踊るだろう 全て受け止めるよこのまま
Stay free my misery...
Today in the car my mom lectured me for snapping at her, for letting exasperation into my tone when I have to explain things to her that I felt could have been figured out on their own, for seeming to think I have a right to make her feel stupid. "There's no one else I ever spend time with who makes me feel so bad so much of the time," she said. "If something else is bothering you and you're taking it out on me -- then stop, just stop. It's not okay."
Right, if something else is bothering me. Right, taking it out on her. Well, she was indeed right that I had been obnoxious to her. What could I say? I suppose she was looking for something like "I'm sorry." But maybe I wasn't exactly sorry. Oh, sorry that I'd made her feel bad, sure; it's something I only do to her and to Liz, and at least Liz could escape by gradually fading out of touch with me but I guess my mom's pretty much stuck praying that someday I learn to stop myself from speaking until I can not sound exasperated. If I knew how to stop that, obviously I would. I guess I'm sorry I don't know how. Or something. But it felt like there was nothing I could say at the time that was real. So I just turned up the music and focused on singing along to hide. Which I'm sure she also found incredibly obnoxious.
But if she could possibly ask me what was wrong, then I don't think she understands. Look: people have been dumped before. Pretty much everyone I know has been dumped. I'm not looking for any special treatment or asking the world to tiptoe around me excusing everything I do. But I'm not sure that the people I talk to understand that every instant that I'm not curled up in a ball screaming is a minor triumph right now. And I don't want to talk about it, because there's nothing to talk about. I want to be distracted -- I want to go out to dinner and eat delicious food and talk about politics and religion, or worry about being on time for the train back from Kobe, or sing at the top of my lungs to Japanese rock songs while driving along trying not to fall into the river, or obsess over word puzzles or read about finite fields or watch sports or watch the Daily Show or take pictures...But I can't be doing that all the time! And whenever there's a gap, reality comes crashing down on me, and I start crying. It feels like it takes an almost infinite amount of emotional energy right now just to keep myself functional, and it feels like that will continue forever. I know it won't. But right now, looking forward, that's what I see. And it is just crushingly, crushingly tiring.
So no, Mom, I'm not taking out some minor annoyance at something else on you by snapping at you just to make myself feel better, like some entitled, thoughtless brat. Maybe this sounds like a pathetic excuse. But pardon me if on top of the endless energy I'm expending to keep myself from collapsing, I'm failing to fix all my character flaws right now. No, that doesn't make it right or good to make someone feel stupid. But perhaps, just perhaps, it makes it a little bit insensitive to take that lecturing tone with me, like I'm just treating people like shit because I think it's okay. Give me a little bit of credit. Of course it's not okay.
I'm just so fucking exhausted.
I suppose the moral is -- and it's an old one -- be careful what you wish for. Last June I wrote on here that when it was 12:34 and time to make a wish, I didn't know what to wish for. That was a lie. I say I was dumped but let's not play innocent here: I was distracted before Andrew was. I stopped giving him the majority of my emotional energy more than a year ago. And idiotically thought that I could get away with that and he would just sit around and wait for me. Well guess what: the gods of 12:34 are good at their job. They didn't hear Andrew in my wishes anymore and so they took him away. As, I can only assume, some sort of cruel punishment, because there's nothing real to replace him with. But I guess I deserved that. I guess I couldn't wish for everything at once without ending up with nothing.
But I was wrong. Can you hear me, O gods of 12:34? Are you reading this? It's too late...but I was wrong. Yes, I was distracted -- by my last semester of college, by my future, by my friends, by Japan...and distracted by tantalizing things that can only exist in alternate universes but would spontaneously combust and destroy themselves if I tried to pull them into this one. I neglected and took for granted what was real, in this universe. I was wrong. And now I want that future back. Okay, okay, I want to scream: I get it, I deserve this, this was inevitable, I've been at least as distant as he has, I've been daydreaming about other things, wondering whether this was really what I wanted -- I knew this was coming, I felt it for months, and didn't do anything real to stop it, I get that, I get it, this is the right thing right now, this is healthy, he needs the freedom to explore other relationships, form other connections, blah blah, yes, I agree, I know, I know, it's right, it's the only thing that's right...I get it...but...but just tell me, just promise me that the future that I had a year ago is still real. Just tell me I haven't really lost that. I can't have lost that. Tell me that this is just something we have to go through, so that there are no regrets...just tell me it was all still true...because I can't, I can't, I just can't have lost that. I can't. He can be with what's-her-name for a while if he wants. He can be with a dozen girls. He can do whatever the hell he wants right now. I'm in Japan, I have other things to think about, I have other friends, even other crushes, I can be okay for now -- maybe a break is even good for me too.
But,
We...
We'll still end up together...
Right?
Just tell me that. Because I have to believe that right now, because otherwise I can't find enough energy to keep from collapsing in on myself.
I haven't escaped the stage where I'm just waiting to wake up.
No, wrong: I think I'm just breaking out of that stage. I think I kept myself going for a while by honestly, in some way, believing I would wake up. And what I'm doing now is realizing that I won't.
But don't worry: I'm not about to go up to Okami Kouen and throw myself into the rocky ocean. I have an incredibly full life and zillions of distractions, people to talk to that I love, interesting things to think about, beautiful places to see, things to plan and look forward to.
And now, I suppose, something to wish for.
There is no other song:
揺れる思い、つかの間の夢、小さな悲劇
降る星の数数えたら 泣くのに飽きだろう
笑う月の蒼さ傷をなでて閉じて行く
Stay free your misery, 降り注ぐ悲しみを その腕の中に抱きしめて
Kiss your misery, 枯れるまで踊るだろう 全て受け止めるよこのまま
Stay free my misery...
posted by Ashila at 8:56 AM
2 Comments:
I want to apologize for the way i last spoke to you, Rebecca. It was really insensitive and ridiculous, but I guess it was my stab at trying to help you forget things. I've never been very good at comforting people, and I'm sorry I can't do anything for you, being so far away as usual and not online often. But I really am wishing you the best right now and hope that things get brighter. I will talk to you soon.
Holly you silly girl -- I know I said earlier that you weren't a jerk before, but I'll say it again here since I hadn't noticed your comment before: I have my emo moods, but the most helpful thing is just chatting with people and goofing around and focusing on things or people that are NOT Andrew, and that conversation with you made me laugh like crazy and even made me feel a bit optimistic about things and I was telling my mom and Valerie at dinner that day how you were awesome and I hoped they met you someday -- for real, you can ask them lol. So don't worry about it 'kay? *hug* Love you.
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