Stay Free My Misery

Perhaps the time has come for an incredibly emo blog post.

Today in the car my mom lectured me for snapping at her, for letting exasperation into my tone when I have to explain things to her that I felt could have been figured out on their own, for seeming to think I have a right to make her feel stupid. "There's no one else I ever spend time with who makes me feel so bad so much of the time," she said. "If something else is bothering you and you're taking it out on me -- then stop, just stop. It's not okay."

Right, if something else is bothering me. Right, taking it out on her. Well, she was indeed right that I had been obnoxious to her. What could I say? I suppose she was looking for something like "I'm sorry." But maybe I wasn't exactly sorry. Oh, sorry that I'd made her feel bad, sure; it's something I only do to her and to Liz, and at least Liz could escape by gradually fading out of touch with me but I guess my mom's pretty much stuck praying that someday I learn to stop myself from speaking until I can not sound exasperated. If I knew how to stop that, obviously I would. I guess I'm sorry I don't know how. Or something. But it felt like there was nothing I could say at the time that was real. So I just turned up the music and focused on singing along to hide. Which I'm sure she also found incredibly obnoxious.

But if she could possibly ask me what was wrong, then I don't think she understands. Look: people have been dumped before. Pretty much everyone I know has been dumped. I'm not looking for any special treatment or asking the world to tiptoe around me excusing everything I do. But I'm not sure that the people I talk to understand that every instant that I'm not curled up in a ball screaming is a minor triumph right now. And I don't want to talk about it, because there's nothing to talk about. I want to be distracted -- I want to go out to dinner and eat delicious food and talk about politics and religion, or worry about being on time for the train back from Kobe, or sing at the top of my lungs to Japanese rock songs while driving along trying not to fall into the river, or obsess over word puzzles or read about finite fields or watch sports or watch the Daily Show or take pictures...But I can't be doing that all the time! And whenever there's a gap, reality comes crashing down on me, and I start crying. It feels like it takes an almost infinite amount of emotional energy right now just to keep myself functional, and it feels like that will continue forever. I know it won't. But right now, looking forward, that's what I see. And it is just crushingly, crushingly tiring.

So no, Mom, I'm not taking out some minor annoyance at something else on you by snapping at you just to make myself feel better, like some entitled, thoughtless brat. Maybe this sounds like a pathetic excuse. But pardon me if on top of the endless energy I'm expending to keep myself from collapsing, I'm failing to fix all my character flaws right now. No, that doesn't make it right or good to make someone feel stupid. But perhaps, just perhaps, it makes it a little bit insensitive to take that lecturing tone with me, like I'm just treating people like shit because I think it's okay. Give me a little bit of credit. Of course it's not okay.

I'm just so fucking exhausted.

I suppose the moral is -- and it's an old one -- be careful what you wish for. Last June I wrote on here that when it was 12:34 and time to make a wish, I didn't know what to wish for. That was a lie. I say I was dumped but let's not play innocent here: I was distracted before Andrew was. I stopped giving him the majority of my emotional energy more than a year ago. And idiotically thought that I could get away with that and he would just sit around and wait for me. Well guess what: the gods of 12:34 are good at their job. They didn't hear Andrew in my wishes anymore and so they took him away. As, I can only assume, some sort of cruel punishment, because there's nothing real to replace him with. But I guess I deserved that. I guess I couldn't wish for everything at once without ending up with nothing.

But I was wrong. Can you hear me, O gods of 12:34? Are you reading this? It's too late...but I was wrong. Yes, I was distracted -- by my last semester of college, by my future, by my friends, by Japan...and distracted by tantalizing things that can only exist in alternate universes but would spontaneously combust and destroy themselves if I tried to pull them into this one. I neglected and took for granted what was real, in this universe. I was wrong. And now I want that future back. Okay, okay, I want to scream: I get it, I deserve this, this was inevitable, I've been at least as distant as he has, I've been daydreaming about other things, wondering whether this was really what I wanted -- I knew this was coming, I felt it for months, and didn't do anything real to stop it, I get that, I get it, this is the right thing right now, this is healthy, he needs the freedom to explore other relationships, form other connections, blah blah, yes, I agree, I know, I know, it's right, it's the only thing that's right...I get it...but...but just tell me, just promise me that the future that I had a year ago is still real. Just tell me I haven't really lost that. I can't have lost that. Tell me that this is just something we have to go through, so that there are no regrets...just tell me it was all still true...because I can't, I can't, I just can't have lost that. I can't. He can be with what's-her-name for a while if he wants. He can be with a dozen girls. He can do whatever the hell he wants right now. I'm in Japan, I have other things to think about, I have other friends, even other crushes, I can be okay for now -- maybe a break is even good for me too.

But,

We...

We'll still end up together...

Right?

Just tell me that. Because I have to believe that right now, because otherwise I can't find enough energy to keep from collapsing in on myself.

I haven't escaped the stage where I'm just waiting to wake up.

No, wrong: I think I'm just breaking out of that stage. I think I kept myself going for a while by honestly, in some way, believing I would wake up. And what I'm doing now is realizing that I won't.

But don't worry: I'm not about to go up to Okami Kouen and throw myself into the rocky ocean. I have an incredibly full life and zillions of distractions, people to talk to that I love, interesting things to think about, beautiful places to see, things to plan and look forward to.

And now, I suppose, something to wish for.

There is no other song:

闇の中に落ちて行けば忘れてしまうことなのかも
揺れる思い、つかの間の夢、小さな悲劇
降る星の数数えたら　泣くのに飽きだろう
笑う月の蒼さ傷をなでて閉じて行く

Stay free your misery, 降り注ぐ悲しみを　その腕の中に抱きしめて
Kiss your misery, 枯れるまで踊るだろう　全て受け止めるよこのまま
Stay free my misery...

3年4組

After a rather long delay: the messages from class 4. I have done what I ought to have done with the other classes and numbered the messages. Missing numbers have not been accidentally incorporated into the alphabet instead (family story, don't ask); they represent students who did not hand in a message. No points up for grabs with this class -- there are no students in it that I regularly interacted with outside of class. But you can entertain yourself by trying to spot students who clearly took advantage of the fact that for them this was homework, and homes have computers, and computers have online translating sites. And for the busy reader, I have generously bolded messages that I feel are the most amusing/cute/interesting. The messages from the first three classes will be retrofitted with numbers and boldings at some point soon.

Without further ado:

1. Sign language is very difficult, but. I was very interesting. I became interested in sign language and more I want to study it more. Green apple and red apple Cards was very very very interesting. Thank you very much.

2. Your lesson was very pleasent. I think that it is a really splendid teacher. I will not forget it in the days when I studied together. I graduate and intend to do its best even if I go to the senior high school. The teacher please do its best, too. It was a short interval, but was taken care of. Thank you.

3. I will forget you. You lesson is very fun. for example, interesting game. It was an entirely new exper ience for me. Tanks a lot.

5. Your Lesten is interesting. Thank you for teaching English.

6. Hello Ms Rebecca. Your lesson is veryr interesting. Sign language is nice. I was glad to study English with you. Thank you Ms Rebecca. Good bye.

7. My name is ~~. I was glad to study English with you. Because your class was very interesting. So I thought to study English is interesting. I will never forget you. Thank you.

8. Thank you for teacher English. Ms Rebecca’s class was very interesting. Thak you very much.

9. Thank you for teaching English. Ms Rebecca’s class was very interesting. Your sign language was very good. So, sign language is taught thank you. I will for forget you. Thanks a lot.

10. Thank you for teaching English. Ms Rebecca’s class was very interesting.

12. I will never forget you. You are so kind that I like you. You taught me to study English. I was not easy to study English. But I liked English. Thank you.

14. To Mr. Rebeca. I was very happy in the time when I had teach you how to sign language. I played a game by the last class. The game was very interesting. Please do its best from now on.

15. Awesome your sign language. I think so that it’s nice. Wanted me to take sign language. Your lesson is intresting. See you next.

16. Thank you very much for Ms Rebecca. I want to go to USA. Ms Rebecca’s class is very fun and very interesting. We will never forget Ms Rebecca.

17. Dear Ms Rebecca ☆☆ Hello!! My name is ~~. I am glad to study with you. I will never forget because Ms Rebecca is very kind for me. Thank you very much. From ~~.☆☆

18. Thank you enjoy class. I don’t forget Ms Rebecca. Take care of body. See you again!

19. Hello. I will never forget spened time with Rebecca. You were teach us sign language. It’s very fun. Thank you. You have a good day in America.

20. Hello. The English class with you was very pleasant. I became interested in sign language and more I want to study it more. Thank you very much.

22. Hello. The English class with you was very pleasant. How about you? Please don’t forget us. Thank you very much.

23. Thank you for about a year. You are very cute. I like you very much because I want more study with you. I won’t forget you because please remember us. You are very kind us. I can understand English. Thank you very much.

24. Thank you for teaching English to us. I am not good at speaking and reading English. But your class was fun. I learned a lot of things from you. For example, English, sign language and a game. I didn’t know about sign language. You taught us it well. So I could do American sign langauge. I was very fun when I play game with everyone. Thank you very much. Please good luck!

25. Hello, Ms Rebecca. Was the chocolate delicious? When talking with Rebecca’s house. I think attending the class with teacher Rebecca to be good very happily when it is possible to meet it not is any longer and some time. Thank you <3

26. I like class of Ms Rebecca. Because it is very interesting. Ms Rebecca taught us sing language. I thought very useful it. It was fun for me to learn sing language. Ms Rebecca was made me happy. Thank you very much. If you have time I want talk with you.

27. It is fun for me to study English with Ms Rebecca. When you came classroom, we were very happy. We had a good time. Please come Kasumi junior high school again. You taught us Shuwa. It was very interesting. You taught us a lot of thing. I will never forget my teacher Ms Rebecca. Please don’t forget us. Thank you very much!!!

28. So far thank you very much. I was fun Ms Rebeccas class. Particularly Fingerspelled Alphabet was interesting. From now on never forget we thing.

29. Hello, Ms Rebecca. Thank you very much for you. Your class is very fun and exciting. I don’t know apple to apple. But Apple to Apple was very interesting. Sign language was not learned. So very. You are back to America. But You always come back to Japan. Nice to meet you. Goodbye.

31. Thank you, for a year. Your class was very fun. You were taught me Sign language and “apple to apple”. Apple to apple was very fun. I had a good time. I will never forget you. Sign language was interesting. My name is Eri. So my name is three words. It was very short and easy. I leared sign language. See you again.

32. Hello :-) Rebecca. <3<3 thank you very much for you. <3<3 ☆Your class is very interesting.☆★ I cried your back to country. :’( See you next time. ^_^ :D Goodbye.

33. Thank you for a year!! Ms Rebecca taught us sign language. It was fun for me to learn sign language. Ms Rebecca was made me happy. thank you very much.

34. You taught us English. “Apples to Apples” and “Sign language” are very interesting. And I understood English. Thank you very much, Ms Rebecca.

言葉遊び

I've been thinking about too much recently to be able to write about any of it. My third years have graduated and time seems to be tumbling downhill toward the end of July. I have the messages from 4組 which I will post one of these days. I'm 23 years old now, despite what I wrote on the little form at the capsule hotel on Friday night out of habit. My house is a mess again, and right now it's gorgeous outside and there's some sort of big concert event at the community center across the street, but I'm too exhausted to even want to take a walk by myself, let alone try to socialize with Japanese strangers. I'm exhausted because I was out until six thirty last night at karaoke, singing through every single Japanese song I know and some I don't. I'm bouncing around a strange mess of mental states, homesick for New Jersey, intensely nostalgic for Swarthmore and specifically last spring...eating outside behind Sharples, dinner in Media, RACK-O in the math lounge, frisbee, and just the physical setting of campus as it burst into spring and the feeling of belonging there. And at the same time already nostalgic for Japan, already missing Kobe and my own little town and mostly my students. And completely unsure and suspended about next year. There's pretty much not a single question about the next couple years of my life that I know the answer to. Perhaps "Do you want to learn to be a good English teacher and then teach people English?" The answer to that is Yes. That might be about it for definite answers. And it feels like there's nothing I can do but wait.

So I don't really know how to write about any of that. Instead, I will try to write about something rather unrelated: word games. I was musing recently about why exactly I find Adam's patternfilling-type word games so compelling and interesting. There are obvious answers to that, mainly social: participating communally in word games like this is an excellent way to, say, take a study break from math and just relax and think of silly words and joke around and work towards a common goal of finishing the list. And right now, they can serve as a good way to pass the extra time at school, something to keep my mind engaged but that doesn't really require a whole lot of energy or productivity. I'm not talking about those reasons. What I'm talking about is more...neurological? Or something. Now, I don't know neurology. At all. So the following discussion is not technical or rigorous, just my idle musings.

I think there's something intensely satisfying about forging extra little connections in our minds. This is one of my theories about poetry and song lyrics, and the function of things like rhyme, rhythm, alliteration, parallelism, etc. I think it pleases us to have the extra structure, so that in some vague, subconscious way, along with the meanings and images conjured up by the words themselves, we have this added structure, added connections that make us connect sounds and words and hence images in a way that we might not have otherwise. Even (especially?) if we can't pinpoint exactly what that extra connection signifies or adds, I believe it enhances the experience in some powerful way, and that is what makes something poetry.

That idea overlaps with what I was thinking about the word games. Who ever would have noticed that ORPHANAGE and NIGHTMARE both have the form ???H??A?E ? And who cares? you might be wondering, and sure, that observation is unlikely ever to have any practical application. Nor does it contain any deep poetic meaning (or does it...?), or teach us anything insightful about the meaning of the universe. But not everything has to. It makes little sparks shoot off in our brain that wouldn't have gotten a chance to otherwise. And I find that experience pleasing. I enjoy noticing that the ending ~SOME, while usually a suffix that creates an adjective (awesome, worrisome, wholesome, etc.), also shows up at the end of bio words like chromosome, but pronounced /zom/. It's not some earth shattering discovery. But it's interesting to take words and think of them in this way that's related to their structure and not their meaning, and to observe what new connections pop up between words that previously had no links between them in my brain.

I also just enjoy exploiting the tremendous database of words that's accumulated in my mind. By and large we retrieve words from our memories when we want to express something related to their meaning. In other words, when something in our environment or thoughts needs linguistic expression, and then we search the store of words for one with approximately the right meaning. Right, that's generally what language should do. But a lot of meanings just rarely come up in my life. I know a lot of words that I'll probably actually need to use somewhere from zero to ten times in my entire life. But they're there. Thousands and thousands of them. Just sitting there. And I love having a reason to sift through that database and find things that barely ever get to surface. And a reason to be noticing patterns and connections and how different letter patterns show up in different roots and prefixes and suffixes and what letters can combine with other letters. And I love the experience of feeling like I've searched the entire database and found nothing at all that fits a certain pattern, and just staring at it in frustration, and then suddenly the right word magically floats up into my consciousness. Often with a realization like "oh of course, I was forgetting that OU could go between L and S" or "ack, EA isn't always pronounced /i/, it can also be /eh/." (Uh, forgive my inability to type in IPA...) And there's something very mentally satisfying about that.

So I think I've babbled about this long enough now. But hopefully it made at least some sense. (As mentioned, I'm running on under three hours of sleep right now.)

Now, we'll see if I still claim to enjoy word games after attempting next week's fiveplustwos.... *terrible at anagramming* ^_^;;

Hmmmm lyrics. Okay I'm too tired not to be lazy, so how about the only lyrics I know that contain the title of this post:

Ah　どーでもいい事並べて　Happyな言葉遊び
Ah　どーでもいい歌、　Junkなセリフ

Hi-ho,　スキだらけの　そんな君の歌で踊る
Hi-ho,　空回りでも　混ざらない君の魅力の勝ち
Hi-ho,　ムダだらけの　そんな君の世界が好き
Hi-ho,　もし良ければ　くだらない僕らと踊りましょう。。。
Hi-ho!