Soulmates

First of all, I refuse to write "soulmate" as two words, as Microsoft Word always wants me to. So that's just a little linguistic disclaimer.

I'm writing this post because it just occurred to me for the first time, in all my musings about soulmates, that it's not like some sort of ideal that everyone in your life approaches to some greater or lesser extent. I mean, I already knew perfectly well that there are different kinds of soulmates, or that people can mesh with select parts of your soul in different ways...but somehow it never hit me until this moment that some people in my inner circle are distinctly not soulmates of mine, to any extent really, and that that's in fact a good and important thing and not a deficiency.

So what do I mean? There's a certain quality that select people in my life have...they make me feel more fully and completely like myself around them, whatever exactly that means. Like me mixed with them is somehow closer to the ideal form of me than I am on my own. That's great, and I need that in my life. And that's what gets the term "soulmate" attached to it. But I also have close friends who are very very important to me who have a different quality...something more like, they push me from the outside to help me define who I am for myself. Yeah I know, don't I sound lame. But I don't know how to put it more concretely, at least not without specific examples (and not that anyone ever reads this, but technically it is linked from Facebook, so I don't like to talk about specific people, heh). Or they somehow complement me, support me, challenge me, give me different perspectives, and click with me so that I feel comfortable around them but not in quite the same way...not quite in that special way where being with someone feels pretty much like being alone only better. (And no, I did not mean for that to sound dirty.) But more like I can be myself and they'll accept me for it and help me shape who I am, as I said, sort of from the outside. And it's not a simple question of how similar someone is in personality, interests, et cetera. One of my most intense soulmates is actually not very similar to me in a lot of superficial ways, but he has this magical quality that when I'm talking to him, it's like he's just part of me and we've always known each other and I wouldn't be who I am without him and all that cliched but accurate stuff. But I wouldn't want everyone in my life to have that sort of quality. It's just different from person to person (well, duh), and sometimes there's a bit of that "soulmate" feeling, and sometimes there isn't, and it's all good.

Still. The outside looking in is always annoying. And I was reading old IM conversations today, in the process of writing email, that I shouldn't look at. Today was such a wonderful wonderful day, and I'm still feeling happy, but I feel like it's the kind of day that usually ends with some sort of fight and me going to sleep feeling upset and guilty and wistful and lonely and edgy. Weird how that happens. It's probably a chemical thing...a crash after an endorphin high? *laughs*

Oh well, I'll see how it goes. Meanwhile, hide's take on soulmate-ness (sorta):

名前知らない二人のままなら
分かり合えちゃったのにね。。。

Though if we'd stayed anonymous,
We'd have understood each other better...

Influential

I was musing the other day about how many of the things that are in my room would not be here if I have never gotten interested in Yugioh. The ones I can think of are:

The Kaiba wall scroll (obviously)
The Ancient Elf plushie
My Duel Monsters deck
My Yugioh t shirt
My Japanese dictionary and notebook from Japanese class
The Japanese calligraphy on my wall
Probably the two pictures that are vaguely Japanese in style
The hide posters
Several of my CDs: Eric Stuart, hide, Malice Mizer, and anything else Japanese
My kanji earrings and necklace
The earrings I bought from Lady
The dolphin statue
Chris and Ria
The Vietnamese frog
The Greek pot
The drawing of Serenity
Any of the pictures currently on the pink circle thingy
The NO SHRUGGING! sign
The pink/purple/orange friendship circle on my door
The two letters sitting in my drawer of important things
My ring from Liz

Have I made the point? Obviously, having gotten interested in Yugioh made a ridiculously huge impact on the whole shape of my life for the past few years, an impact that will last the rest of my life, but it's interesting to notice specifically what a high percentage of the physical objects surrounding me just would not be here if Rusty hadn't happened to introduce my brother to this particular anime show, or if I hadn't been a kind enough older sister to (after ridiculing it for a while) actually try watching it. I wonder what would be decorating my walls instead...

Well, I'll have to thank Kazuki Takahashi. I'll include a note with his wedding invitation.

Meanwhile, time to get ready for folkdancing, something that as far as I can tell has no connection in my life to my interest in Yugioh.

Just for old times' sake, I'll leave you with words of wisdom from Seto Kaiba:

"It's in the briefcase, you moron."

こま切れの記憶

I just want to write this down so I don't forget it. If I ever find myself teaching poetry, I would like to do an activity in which first we read some poem in English with a very definite mood, and discuss how the mood is conveyed. Then we read some poem in a language that hopefully none of the students know, try to guess the mood, talk about why we guess what we guess, and then hear a translation and see if we think we were right given the content of the words. Then for homework the kids would write a poem of made up words designed to convey a certain mood that they picked. Then if they want to they can share it with the class (letting someone else read it) and people can discuss what the mood might be, or they can just give it to me to read.

Okay kinda random but it popped into my head as an interesting activity, and one I've never done in all the time I've had poetry taught to me. Hopefully it could lead to discussion of how a piece of art uses words not just to convey meaning, but also for the effect they have on the sound and rhythm, and how all these factors fit together to convey a feeling. Good prose certainly uses words very skillfully for pacing and effect, but I personally think that really powerful use of word choice and syntax to shape the mood and flow of writing is one of the factors that distinguishes poetry from prose. It's not a definitive distinction (because the line just is blurry), but I think it's a good start.

So I'm really considering trying to push myself to actually do something in Chicago next summer...help Liz organize a summer creative writing course, maybe even start a very very small publishing thing, and then maybe I'd also tutor math or something. But of course the prospect is scary because it would involve a lot of real initiative and doing things, to be trite, out of my comfort zone. But it would be so perfect if I could really get it to work. Of course there are little details like where I could live...(is it inappropriate to ask a friend who lives in Chicago if you can stay in her house for the summer? How about some random people your dad once bought an antique piano from who seemed really nice? *laughs*) And the program Tatiana worked at also sounds pretty cool from what she says...so I might look into that too.

At lunch today Jonah mentioned, among other things, a program some other girl he knows worked at, a summer math thing, in Washington state. (Summer Stretch, I wonder...?) Oh the temptation. But alas, I know I can't let myself go to Washington until it clearly could not be interpreted wrong. I have a pre-emptive restraining order. *laughs* But what if it really seems like that program would be the best fit, and I can't go just because it might make me look to other people like a creepy internet stalker person? That would be sad.

Ahh the horny moose. Ruth doesn't think it sounds like a moose mating call, and apparently she should know. But hey, I think it's close enough. Yay for the peaceful tranquility of midnight in the suburbs...

Okay I'm done babbling for now. Perhaps now that I will start having homework to procrastinate with (from? no preposition sounds right there...), I will start posting here more. Perhaps. I say that about a lot of things, like posting on the forum, reading, writing, doing Japanese, translating songs and interviews, catching up on writing emails...and then lo and behold, I instead spend my precious procrastination time napping, daydreaming, poking around facebook, or sitting in someone else's room chatting. Heh, oh well. So much for productive procrastination.

Speaking of production, before I go I will list a few of my goals for the year.

* Going to the gym an average of three times a week
* Not eating terribly (i.e. occasional breakfast, minimal french fries and ice cream, no big bags of potato chips in my room)
* Going to things--lectures, plays, other performances, concerts
* Actually actually keeping up my Japanese somewhat--not just saying I will!
* Venturing out of (again) my comfort zone a little bit in terms of social circles--that means occasionally eating a meal or hanging out with people other than just Katie, Eric, Mark, and Lucy (not that I don't love all of them!!)
* Starting to talk to math and education professors about a good way to handle grad schools
* Starting to talk to Japanese professors about possibilities for the year after I graduate
* Looking for some sort of tutoring thing I can actually do (hopefully with Katie or someone)
* Making myself actually do things like the research poster session thingy and other things like that that seem scary

Okay enough goals! *laughs* And now, some words from our sponsor...hide!

あの日見えなかった愛でるべき花たち
今日だまりの中首かしげ
それでもやさしく微笑んでいる

Invisible then, the flowers I should have loved
Now tilt their heads in the sun,
Nevertheless genly smiling.

まわるまわる
こま切れの記憶の奥で瞬く　
涙も雨も砂に呑み込まれて

Around and around
Twinkling inside fragments of memory,
Tears and rain are swallowed in the sand...