Transcendent

Last weekend we went to the LPGA match play championship thingy, and saw (among many others) Michelle Wie and Annika Sorenstam. I don't know if I can describe well what I want to say about it, but I'll try...

First Michelle. My relationship with her is complicated. *laughs* First of all, I have affection for her purely because I randomly decided to make her a character in CAC, long before I really knew anything about her. And anyone who's played a round behind Seto and Ashila can't be all bad, right? Then again, my old instinct of jealousy/resentment kicks in mildly against any new phenom on the LPGA tour who might challenge Annika's dominance and respect...after all, gender aside, I seem to remember Annika's name showing up on various scraps of paper back in eighth grade along with Rey Ordonez and Tiger Woods. Plus I can't quite decide how I intellectually feel about this whole desire to play on the men's tour. Instinctively I seem to root for her to do it and to do well...and of course, I'm always in favor of breaking gender barriers and empowering women to do whatever the hell they want. On the other hand, why does she need to play the men's tour? What's wrong with the LPGA? Physically, the vast majority of women just aren't able to hit a golf ball as far or hard as the men on the PGA tour, and if the best women players start playing a good deal of their time on the men's tour, what will happen to the popularity and excitement of the LPGA? So I'm just not sure...but without thinking too hard, I always find myself liking and rooting for her, and I was excited to see her in person.

Now, how can I describe what she was like in person...I have to say, she reminds me a lot of Kaiba. Seriously. (Who's Kaiba, you ask? Tsk tsk, go watch Yugioh! (Japanese version only!)) She has an aura of concentration and intensity and elegance when she moves. And she's tall, lol. Just the way she carries herself, so strong and focused and serious and intense. (That's on the golf course obviously; I have no idea what she's like in real life! Not as much of a jerk as Kaiba I hope lol...) I've gotta say, if I were a few years younger and of an appropriate sexual orientation, I bet I'd be quite taken with her. Instead I just feel this Kaiba-like intensity from her that's very charismatic and almost mesmerizing in a way.

Now Annika. This is even harder to describe, and I feel rather silly knowing I'm about to start talking about watching someone hit good iron shots like it's some sort of mystical, cosmic experience or something. Okay, in a way that's silly. But sometimes when I watch Annika, especially in person, I feel that swelling of meaning (described in some post below I think) that's close to a feeling of wanting to cry, but not quite; like something in my soul is overflowing for a moment, like I'm seeing something not just impressive and good, but somehow beautiful, somehow an important part of the meaning of the whole universe. I know that sounds dramatic--it's just someone playing golf. But it's not meant to be dramatic; I don't think that everything that's an important part of the meaning of the whole universe has to be dramatic. It's just--beautiful, in some transcendent way. Not that every shot of hers is perfect. But there's something about her skill and precision and mastery of this particular artform that's just so powerful to see. And she hasn't got any of that Kaiba aura. Sure, she concentrates, but she's got her own aura, something more down-to-earth, laid back but deeply serious, solid and open. I got that swelling feeling specifically when she hit her iron shot up to the ninth green and it landed and checked up and spun a foot or two toward the hole. Not like it's a golf shot no one else in the world could hit; far from it. There's just something about her connection to this ability of playing golf that's meaningful to me.

So is all this stuff I'm babbling really as silly as it sounds? I don't think so. On one level yes; most of this, if not all, is in my head, something I'm bringing into existance inside myself and then calling powerful. At least, one could accuse it of being that. But I think that either, a) that's wrong, and these auras and transcendent abilities and whatever that I'm hit by are really something "real", whatever that means--something that is true or meaningful outside of me, I guess--or b) they're not; they're purely subjective, in which case I think, what's wrong with that? Life is subjective isn't it? What's the difference between something that's "really" powerful and something that feels powerful to me? Is there a meaningful way to define these concepts outside of subjective experience of them? I don't really think so...at least, I believe there is a meaningful way to define them that's rooted in subjective experience. And maybe a lot of things that we feel as being deep and powerful and intense and spiritual and meaningful in some sense aren't "real"...but can't we just define "real" in this case to be whatever we feel? This applies also, I think, to something like love.

My dad told me the other day of a conversation he had with my brother, in which my brother proposed the idea that there's such a thing as a song that is "great" in some way that means more than just being a song that's written and performed more skillfully than most other songs, but rather means somehow that this song taps into something more important and powerful than most other songs. That doesn't mean, of course, that these would be the songs with the "deepest" lyrics, or they would only include songs about "important" themes like death or spirituality or something. And of course, this would be (to some extend) a purely subjective judgment. I think that's part of the same idea...some things, experiences, people, phenomena, quotes, songs, characters, relationships, ideas, images, etc. just strike us somehow as tapping into something deeper, and personally I think that's very meaningful and important.

Listening to the CD of Japanese rock music that Lisa burned me, many of the songs on which I really like, I told my dad (before even knowing most of the lyrics to any of the songs) that I had a feeling that a particular song, Misery, by hide, was somehow a more powerful song than the others. Not meaning musically better, or even that I enjoyed listening to it more, but just something about it gave me that feeling that it transcended being a rock song, into being some small but important piece of the universe. And sure enough, now that I know the lyrics, I know that I was absolutely right. Remember all that stuff I was babbling about about how there shouldn't be a dichotomy between "happy" and "sad", and it shouldn't be seen as happy = good and sad = bad? How life is really about appreciating all emotions and learning to cultivate strong relationships based on love so that you can absorb the "negative" emotions when they happen and not be knocked over? Well, that's what this song is about, to me anyway. So I leave you with some quotes (although you really need to hear the music to get the power of it, especially the last line!):

Kimi no itami ureshisou ni hane wo hirogete maioritekuru.
Hiru no hikari kimi no kizu wo daite yasashiku hirogeteyuku.
Your pain happily spreads its wings and swoops down.
The daylight gently wraps your wounds and spreads them open.

Yoru no yami ni ochite yukeba wasureteshimau koto na no kamo;
Yureru omoi, tsuka no ma no yume, chiisana higeki.
Huru hoshi no kazu kazoetara naku no ni aki darou;
Warau tsuki no aosa kizu wo nadete tojiteyuku.
It could be something you forget as you fall into the dark of night;
A quivering feeling, a transient dream, a small tragedy.
If you count the falling stars you'll tire of crying;
The blue of the laughing moon will rub your wounds closed.

Stay free your misery: Furisosogu kanashimi wo sono mune no naka ni dakishimete.
Kiss your misery: Kareru made odoru darou subete uketomeru yo kono mama.
Stay free my misery.
Stay free your misery: Hold the sadness that pours down inside your heart.
Kiss your misery: You'll dance until you die, catching it all just as it is.
Stay free my misery.

Stay free my misery: Sakuretsu suru itami ga kakenukeru dake no kaze naraba...
Stay free my misery: Ame nochi hare wo matou hora kimi no namida wo tabechaou.
Stay free my misery: If this exploding pain is just a wind blowing through...
Stay free my misery: I'll wait until the rain clears, and see, I'll eat up your tears.

Kanashii to iu naraba sora no aosa sae mo todokanai modokashisa ni kimi ha nakun darou.
Kimi no chiisa na karada tsutsun deru yume ha itami wo nomikomi azayaka ni naru.
If you say you're sad, you'll cry with frustration, reaching not even the blue of the sky.
The dream that evelops your small body will swallow the pain and become brilliantly clear.

Stay free my misery: Furisosogu kanashimi wo sono mune no naka ni dakishimete.
Stay free your misery: Kareru made odoru darou;
Subete uketomete, kono sora no shita de kimi ga warau...
Stay free my misery: Hold the sadness that pours down inside your heart.
Stay free your misery: You'll dance until you die;
Catching it all, under this sky, you laugh...