雨のち晴れ

Something clicked just now, and I want to record it, in case it un-clicks again at some point. I was talking to Andrew and having the same conversation we have every time our conversation goes at all beyond "hey, how are you?" "oh, I'm fine, studying for chem, how are you?" "I'm okay, trying to make lesson plans for elementary" "ah, okay"...and so on. Namely the should we really be trying to stay friends, or does that just perpetuate the pain and awkwardness unnecessarily? conversation. And I was in the middle of saying the same things: I don't know, I don't know, it hurts to talk to you but I'm afraid it would hurt even more just to drop out of your life... And he was saying the same things: I want to be friends but I feel like it just hurts you, I think distance might be good for you... And I was crying, as I am wont to do, and apologizing for turning every conversation with him into this one, and saying that if he wanted me to stop trying to talk to him so he didn't have to deal with it that was okay, and not really meaning it, and feeling like there was no way out of this...

And then, something changed. For no apparent reason, and in a split second: it felt different. Like I had a moment, a flash, just a flash, of escaping all the words and scripts and constructs, even all the fear and insecurity and regret and loss; a moment where I came close to actually understanding whatever was behind all the silliness I used to spew a few years ago about soul gardens and connections and the power and uniqueness of the relationship between each two people. Well, I'm not trying to make it sound like some grand spiritual epiphany. But suddenly it seemed ridiculous to be getting so tangled. The truth is simple: I'm terrified that I'll never find the right person to really be together with, have a family with...I'm scared no one will ever choose me for that role, and Andrew reminds me of that fear because I thought he might choose me, and he hasn't. But really, that fear, that pain, is independent of him. And I love him. There are only going to be so many people in my life that I can love deeply, comfortably, completely, and damned if I'm gonna throw one away just because of my insecurities about my future. Good friends are exactly what I need to help with that insecurity.

I don't know if this will last, but right now I feel good. Still too scared about the future to really think about it without feeling crushed, but somehow, at the moment, I've separated that feeling from Andrew, and re-cast him as someone who can help support and advise and listen and snuggle me when I need it.

Does that mean I just let go of him?

I think it means I let go of something. But something that wasn't really about him. And now maybe, just maybe, if I can keep this feeling, I'll be ready to start being a real friend again.

炸裂する痛みが　駆けぬけるだけの風ならば、
雨のち晴れを待とう。。。