肩竦禁止

Conclusion: There is a lot of excellent music in the world. This isn't a deep conclusion, but it happened to come into my mind earlier listening to this new record I bought and am really liking. Sometimes when I think of all the music that I would really like that I'll never listen to, it depresses me. But on the flip side, it's pleasing to be able to pick two random-ish CDs off the shelf in Tsutaya and have one of them be really good. And I like that there are so many people out there who have the real ability to create music that's intelligent and subtle and thoughtful and beautiful. I like being reminded that it's not an ability restricted to the people who happen to go down in international history as the best musicians ever.

I hate having things I want to say and no context in which I can say them. I'm sick of writing Word documents no one will ever read. I suppose this is what diaries are supposed to be for, but I've been finding trying to articulate my thoughts only for my own benefit more frustrating than satisfying. But what do I want out of an audience? Validation? Advice? Sympathy? I think validation more than anything. I think the importance of validation isn't always explicitly recognized.

That's why I hate being shrugged at. Whatever the actual attitude behind it, I always experience this moment of deflation, of feeling that whoever I'm talking to is brushing aside whatever I'd felt was worth saying or wondering or worrying about as trivial. Well a lot of what I say and wonder and worry about is trivial, I don't deny that, but if someone wants to communicate that I shouldn't be stressing so much about something, then I'd like that person first to make me feel like I'm not a complete idiot for worrying in the first place. And in person a shrug can come with a sympathetic smile, and that can be all the validation that's needed, but online a shrug is just a shrug, and I hate that moment of feeling shot down, before the rational part of my brain kicks in and reminds me that my reaction to shrugs is dumb and illogical and people don't mean to be communicating that what I said was trivial.

I'm senile so I can't remember if I've already written about this on here. But I like all the little rituals of validation built into everyday interaction in Japan. It's phatic communication, I guess. And you can't just understand it by picturing driving into a gas station in New Jersey and having the attendant start smiling brightly at you and saying "please" and "thank you" like five times, and bowing at you as they made sure the street was clear for you when you left. Because that would be creepy. (Sort of like when Gruffi starts acting like that...) Because it's not expected. But when there's a deep, underlying expectation that in random interactions with strangers you'll be not only non-rude, but actively polite, it doesn't feel forced or artificial -- it just feels like what people do because it's what they've always done. I wouldn't have predicted I'd like it so much. When our Japanese professors made us say "shitsureishimasu" whenever we entered or left the classroom or office, it just felt sort of annoying. But when the students here do it, it just feels natural and proper.

But that isn't even the sort of validation I was originally talking about. I was talking about validation for the contradictions that I'm continually carrying around inside my head. Because it doesn't seem like there's anything I can do about them other than wait. And it's frustrating when there's no one to talk to.

In other news, I wasn't as productive today as I should have been, I have a headache, my computer is now freezing approximately every two minutes, and I have to get up in six and a half hours, so I'm going to go to bed -- except I napped this afternoon so I probably won't fall asleep for a while.

Sorry for the slightly depressed-sounding post. I'm not depressed; I'm happy. I just have a headache right now...

I had lyrics I was going to post but I'll save them for a different mood. I suppose since I was just saying how I like the politeness rituals of Japanese culture, it's as good a time as any for hide's take on it:

君を見つめているよ
ずっと眺めているよ
微笑んで見ててあげるから
好きにしないよ
愛想よくしているよ
わがままひとつ言わないから
話合わせてやるから
ツノ出せ、ヤリ出せ、しっぽ出せ

They're watching you,
They're always watching you,
They're looking at you smiling,
So you can't do what you want.
You're always perfectly polite,
Never say a selfish word,
Always match their talk [note: I've no actual idea what that line means lol],
So get out your horn, get out your spear, get out your tail!