いるかいるか
I've written a couple of blog posts on Microsoft Word in the past few days, but I don't think I'll post them; they were really things I needed to write more than anyone needed to read. Here are the cliff notes:
Post 1: Friday kinda sucked. I felt sick of watching from the outside preparations for an event so clearly designed to reinforce the feeling of inclusion and community. When everyone around me seems to have a defined role and a specific set of tasks to carry out and a designated slot in all the processions and cheers, and all I can do is wander around aimlessly, observing. So I spent most of Friday defiantly sitting at my desk reading the random copy of The Da Vinci Code that was sitting on it, apparently left by my predecessor or some predecessor before him. I mean if they're not going to give me anything to do, then why shouldn't I sit in the air conditioned staff room and entertain myself? Then on my way to Toyooka I a) made the mistake of stopping to try to buy sweatpants and thinking to myself "hey, I fit into 'large' shirts in America, so maybe at this store that people say carries Westerner-friendly sizes, I have a chance of fitting into the extra large shirts"...turns out, it never occurred to whoever made that clothing that anyone might ever require so much fabric in the shoulder/chest area. I literally couldn't get the shirts on right; I was afraid of ripping them. Extra large! It shouldn't affect my mood, really, but it's a very invalidating feeling. And b) I think I ate an expired egg (the expiration date was that day! I thought it would be okay...), or something, because I got sudden stomach cramps and nausea and I had to wait like twenty minutes before I felt good enough to drive to the Three Little Pigs meeting. When I got there I was so shaken and spacey that I couldn't help with anything, could barely form sentences (in English, that is), and I left early. So that day, as I said, kind of sucked.
Post 2: Saturday didn't suck. Maybe if this were the cliff notes of the cliff notes I would just leave it at that...but in fact I'll say that Saturday didn't suck because in the afternoon, when everyone was setting up tents and chairs and stuff for the sports festival (体育祭, just so you know, in case I ever use those kanji without explanation), I was sort of adopted by a group of a girls who told me to help them with whatever they were doing, and in between chatted with me and peppered me with questions and laughed at my Japanese pronunciation and word usage and said they wanted to come over to my house and have a party, and they wanted me to take them to America...for free. Anyway, even though I felt constantly ridiculed, it was in a sweet way, and I really liked them. It cheered me up greatly. And -- I know it's dumb that I care -- but another couple of girls shyly said hi to me and then told me I was pretty. I guess it's sounding in this post like my mood is entirely dependent on my analysis of my physical appearance; this is not generally true. But of course, as predicted, I feel self-conscious here because of how differently I'm built from almost everyone around me, and naturally I'm a bit paranoid that the students mainly see me as huge and awkward, so it's just comforting that any of them would say I was pretty.
Okay, that's all I'll say about the past two days. Here's what I'll say about today: in the morning we started the 体育祭, with a big opening ceremony where the students marched around the field in their blocks, with the flags they'd painted leading the way, and then there were lots of formal greetings and introductions. The whole marching around the field thing was eerily military-like, of course, and I'd been prepared to feel my normal prejudice for military-like things rising up. No. Instead, I almost cried. The whole time they were marching, I wanted to cry. I can't explain yet exactly why, but I suddenly found it so moving. I'd spent all watching these kids practice the pattern they were supposed to march, heard the thirty or so girls in the band practicing, seen groups of students in the gym crouched around the flags painting them together, and I don't know how to put this in a non-cliched way, but somehow seeing the real thing, the ceremony they'd spent every morning practicing for, these 391 students all marching along so solemnly and proudly...well, I can't explain why it was so moving, because I don't know, I just know I almost cried.
After the opening ceremony there was a relay race with first year students. And after that...the skies opened. 雨が降り注いできちゃった。 The students huddled under the tents and we all watched the rain in wonder, and tried to get the pools off the tops of the tents without drenching anyone, and giggled, and watched the dirt field become mud. Finally the rain let up enough for everyone to go inside. We'll wait 'til noon, they said, and then make a decision. In the meanwhile, more cheer practice.
So I watched practice for a while, and took pictures and videos (see flickr for some of those pictures, and ask me if you want the videos), and then at 11:30 sat in the staff room listening to people talk in Japanese about what we were going to do. I had spent a little while outside helping in the Quixotic effort to dry out the field using about twenty small foam squares. As soon as we came inside, it started pouring again. Whoops. No more 体育祭 for today. We'll try again tomorrow, they said. If it rains tomorrow, we'll have class, and try again Tuesday. If it rains Tuesday as well...well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
So there I was, exhausted and sweaty and with nothing to do. So I got up the nerve to ask the vice principal for the afternoon off in exchange for my normal Monday half-day, and he said that was fine. Yay. So I went home and relaxed for a little while, and gathered pictures from the internet for use in my 自己紹介 (self-introduction), which I suddenly might have to give tomorrow.
But the staff party was not postponed. So at 4:40 I headed back to school to catch the bus to the restaurant. I had a special designated seat, not because I was any sort of honored guest, but because I'm vegetarian -- they had very kindly informed the restaurant of this fact and I was to get a special meal different from everyone else's. My seat was at the very end of the row. And I was seated next to a really sweet woman who's some sort of secretary or assistant, and she kept saying how glad she was that I knew Japanese -- she was scared when she saw she was the only person sitting next to me that she wouldn't be able to chat with me. She was really lovely and we had a great time talking. Various other teachers stopped by to chat with me. And I let myself be pressured into drinking...I had driven to school, I said; the bus will take you back to your house, they said, and you can walk to school tomorrow. Sigh. But I'm sort of glad I did drink, because it made me very giggly and happy and made it easier to joke around with people in Japanese. The two guy English teachers each came and chatted with me for a while, which was nice. And various other teachers would stop by and make sure I had plenty of alcohol...heh. One of the older guy teachers dragged Kuroda-sensei (the one I'd gone to karaoke with) over to me and told me he was young and single. Sorry, unfortunately I have a boyfriend, I said. Where? the teacher asked. In America. Oh, that's so far, it doesn't count, he told me. Lol.
(Interlude: a few days ago, a group of girls came over and asked me how old I was, whether I was married, and whether I have a boyfriend. Now, the verb meaning "to have" and the verb meaning "to need" are the same in plain form (iru), but different in polite form ("to have" is group II, "imasu" and "to need" is group I, "irimasu"). Mixing them up isn't something anyone who's had more than a few weeks of Japanese class should ever do. However, I was kind of flustered, and instead of saying "Hai, imasu," I said "Hai, irimasu." Yes, I need one. Heh, oops. Fortunately, despite the alcohol, I avoided that same blunder tonight.)
The evening ended with one of the teachers, who was perhaps a bit too drunk, stripping off his shirt and dancing around in the middle of the room while everyone clapped, and then everyone putting their arms around each others' shoulders and singing the school song. Uh, yeah.
Meanwhile, I bought a record by a group called Bump of Chicken, on Jarryd's recommendation, and I really like it. ^_^
Here are some lyrics from it, with very rough translation, because I'm just feeling that generous. (Learn Japanese, peoples! It's fun!)
僕の場所は どこなんだ
遠くに行ったって 見つかるとは限んない
ろくに笑顔も 作れないから
うつみいて こっそり何度も 呟いてみる
ひとりぼっちは怖くない
ひとりぼっちは怖くない
ひとりぼっちは怖くない。。。
Where is my place?
Even if I travel far, I might not find it.
I can't make myself smile,
So, looking down, I secretly whisper:
I'm not afraid to be on my own,
I'm not afraid to be on my own,
I'm not afraid to be on my own...
P.S. I would like to point out that the title of this post is utterly brilliant, despite having very little to do with the content. (It was the subject line of an email I sent and I felt it needed to be shared with the wider public, lol.) Among its myriad possible meanings:
'Iru' or 'iru'? (This one is relevant to the interlude!)
Are there any dolphins?
Are you there, O dolphin?
Do you need a dolphin?
Do you need this, O dolphin?
Dolphin, dolphin! (This one is pretty much relevant to anything, because dolphins are awesome.)
^_^
P.P.S. Whoa, you know that thing where when you stare at a word too much it starts to look utterly wrong and strange? I just got that with "dolphin"...that shouldn't happen, since I used to be one and all! Of course, we had a different word for ourselves...
Post 1: Friday kinda sucked. I felt sick of watching from the outside preparations for an event so clearly designed to reinforce the feeling of inclusion and community. When everyone around me seems to have a defined role and a specific set of tasks to carry out and a designated slot in all the processions and cheers, and all I can do is wander around aimlessly, observing. So I spent most of Friday defiantly sitting at my desk reading the random copy of The Da Vinci Code that was sitting on it, apparently left by my predecessor or some predecessor before him. I mean if they're not going to give me anything to do, then why shouldn't I sit in the air conditioned staff room and entertain myself? Then on my way to Toyooka I a) made the mistake of stopping to try to buy sweatpants and thinking to myself "hey, I fit into 'large' shirts in America, so maybe at this store that people say carries Westerner-friendly sizes, I have a chance of fitting into the extra large shirts"...turns out, it never occurred to whoever made that clothing that anyone might ever require so much fabric in the shoulder/chest area. I literally couldn't get the shirts on right; I was afraid of ripping them. Extra large! It shouldn't affect my mood, really, but it's a very invalidating feeling. And b) I think I ate an expired egg (the expiration date was that day! I thought it would be okay...), or something, because I got sudden stomach cramps and nausea and I had to wait like twenty minutes before I felt good enough to drive to the Three Little Pigs meeting. When I got there I was so shaken and spacey that I couldn't help with anything, could barely form sentences (in English, that is), and I left early. So that day, as I said, kind of sucked.
Post 2: Saturday didn't suck. Maybe if this were the cliff notes of the cliff notes I would just leave it at that...but in fact I'll say that Saturday didn't suck because in the afternoon, when everyone was setting up tents and chairs and stuff for the sports festival (体育祭, just so you know, in case I ever use those kanji without explanation), I was sort of adopted by a group of a girls who told me to help them with whatever they were doing, and in between chatted with me and peppered me with questions and laughed at my Japanese pronunciation and word usage and said they wanted to come over to my house and have a party, and they wanted me to take them to America...for free. Anyway, even though I felt constantly ridiculed, it was in a sweet way, and I really liked them. It cheered me up greatly. And -- I know it's dumb that I care -- but another couple of girls shyly said hi to me and then told me I was pretty. I guess it's sounding in this post like my mood is entirely dependent on my analysis of my physical appearance; this is not generally true. But of course, as predicted, I feel self-conscious here because of how differently I'm built from almost everyone around me, and naturally I'm a bit paranoid that the students mainly see me as huge and awkward, so it's just comforting that any of them would say I was pretty.
Okay, that's all I'll say about the past two days. Here's what I'll say about today: in the morning we started the 体育祭, with a big opening ceremony where the students marched around the field in their blocks, with the flags they'd painted leading the way, and then there were lots of formal greetings and introductions. The whole marching around the field thing was eerily military-like, of course, and I'd been prepared to feel my normal prejudice for military-like things rising up. No. Instead, I almost cried. The whole time they were marching, I wanted to cry. I can't explain yet exactly why, but I suddenly found it so moving. I'd spent all watching these kids practice the pattern they were supposed to march, heard the thirty or so girls in the band practicing, seen groups of students in the gym crouched around the flags painting them together, and I don't know how to put this in a non-cliched way, but somehow seeing the real thing, the ceremony they'd spent every morning practicing for, these 391 students all marching along so solemnly and proudly...well, I can't explain why it was so moving, because I don't know, I just know I almost cried.
After the opening ceremony there was a relay race with first year students. And after that...the skies opened. 雨が降り注いできちゃった。 The students huddled under the tents and we all watched the rain in wonder, and tried to get the pools off the tops of the tents without drenching anyone, and giggled, and watched the dirt field become mud. Finally the rain let up enough for everyone to go inside. We'll wait 'til noon, they said, and then make a decision. In the meanwhile, more cheer practice.
So I watched practice for a while, and took pictures and videos (see flickr for some of those pictures, and ask me if you want the videos), and then at 11:30 sat in the staff room listening to people talk in Japanese about what we were going to do. I had spent a little while outside helping in the Quixotic effort to dry out the field using about twenty small foam squares. As soon as we came inside, it started pouring again. Whoops. No more 体育祭 for today. We'll try again tomorrow, they said. If it rains tomorrow, we'll have class, and try again Tuesday. If it rains Tuesday as well...well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
So there I was, exhausted and sweaty and with nothing to do. So I got up the nerve to ask the vice principal for the afternoon off in exchange for my normal Monday half-day, and he said that was fine. Yay. So I went home and relaxed for a little while, and gathered pictures from the internet for use in my 自己紹介 (self-introduction), which I suddenly might have to give tomorrow.
But the staff party was not postponed. So at 4:40 I headed back to school to catch the bus to the restaurant. I had a special designated seat, not because I was any sort of honored guest, but because I'm vegetarian -- they had very kindly informed the restaurant of this fact and I was to get a special meal different from everyone else's. My seat was at the very end of the row. And I was seated next to a really sweet woman who's some sort of secretary or assistant, and she kept saying how glad she was that I knew Japanese -- she was scared when she saw she was the only person sitting next to me that she wouldn't be able to chat with me. She was really lovely and we had a great time talking. Various other teachers stopped by to chat with me. And I let myself be pressured into drinking...I had driven to school, I said; the bus will take you back to your house, they said, and you can walk to school tomorrow. Sigh. But I'm sort of glad I did drink, because it made me very giggly and happy and made it easier to joke around with people in Japanese. The two guy English teachers each came and chatted with me for a while, which was nice. And various other teachers would stop by and make sure I had plenty of alcohol...heh. One of the older guy teachers dragged Kuroda-sensei (the one I'd gone to karaoke with) over to me and told me he was young and single. Sorry, unfortunately I have a boyfriend, I said. Where? the teacher asked. In America. Oh, that's so far, it doesn't count, he told me. Lol.
(Interlude: a few days ago, a group of girls came over and asked me how old I was, whether I was married, and whether I have a boyfriend. Now, the verb meaning "to have" and the verb meaning "to need" are the same in plain form (iru), but different in polite form ("to have" is group II, "imasu" and "to need" is group I, "irimasu"). Mixing them up isn't something anyone who's had more than a few weeks of Japanese class should ever do. However, I was kind of flustered, and instead of saying "Hai, imasu," I said "Hai, irimasu." Yes, I need one. Heh, oops. Fortunately, despite the alcohol, I avoided that same blunder tonight.)
The evening ended with one of the teachers, who was perhaps a bit too drunk, stripping off his shirt and dancing around in the middle of the room while everyone clapped, and then everyone putting their arms around each others' shoulders and singing the school song. Uh, yeah.
Meanwhile, I bought a record by a group called Bump of Chicken, on Jarryd's recommendation, and I really like it. ^_^
Here are some lyrics from it, with very rough translation, because I'm just feeling that generous. (Learn Japanese, peoples! It's fun!)
遠くに行ったって 見つかるとは限んない
ろくに笑顔も 作れないから
うつみいて こっそり何度も 呟いてみる
ひとりぼっちは怖くない
ひとりぼっちは怖くない
ひとりぼっちは怖くない。。。
Where is my place?
Even if I travel far, I might not find it.
I can't make myself smile,
So, looking down, I secretly whisper:
I'm not afraid to be on my own,
I'm not afraid to be on my own,
I'm not afraid to be on my own...
P.S. I would like to point out that the title of this post is utterly brilliant, despite having very little to do with the content. (It was the subject line of an email I sent and I felt it needed to be shared with the wider public, lol.) Among its myriad possible meanings:
'Iru' or 'iru'? (This one is relevant to the interlude!)
Are there any dolphins?
Are you there, O dolphin?
Do you need a dolphin?
Do you need this, O dolphin?
Dolphin, dolphin! (This one is pretty much relevant to anything, because dolphins are awesome.)
^_^
P.P.S. Whoa, you know that thing where when you stare at a word too much it starts to look utterly wrong and strange? I just got that with "dolphin"...that shouldn't happen, since I used to be one and all! Of course, we had a different word for ourselves...
posted by Ashila at 7:39 AM
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