一人で見た真っ赤な空

Sometimes, I have this sudden flash of realization that none of it really matters. Not in a cynical, indifferent sort of way -- but that everything I stress about, everything that pokes and prods at my mind and makes my stomach feel tight and keeps me up at night, it's all okay. I remember sitting outside the Science Center one day last summer, a week before I left for Japan. I had just bought about eight pairs of shoes and I wore my favorite one. I sat up against the stone wall next to the path that leads over to the parking lot. I had just been chatting with Lake, outside at the tables by the math wing, and now he had gone off to work and I waited for Mark, who had said he'd come to dinner with us and maybe even come see The Dark Knight as well. After the movie Lake and I were to head to Adam's house for a weekend of playing RACK-O and just chilling. It was one of those gorgeous days where the campus just sparkles and there are just the right number of clouds blowing around in the sky. I was worried, nervous, about all sorts of different things. Nervous about whether Mark and Lake would enjoy dinner or whether the conversation would be awkward; nervous about whether Mark would really rather be hanging out with his new boyfriend; nervous because Lake had said that Adam might take the roof and doors off his Jeep and the prospect of riding in it sort of scared me but I didn't want to seem lame...and of course, above everything, terrified of going to Japan the next week.

But suddenly, sitting there, for that moment, it all melted away. And I felt this deep conviction that nothing could possibly go wrong, not really, because I would always be able to sit and watch the clouds floating by and feel the wind, and that was really all I needed for the world to be good. Oh it sounds like such a cliche. And it is. But it's a beautiful feeling, when I happen to be able to find it.

And it doesn't mean I don't care, and it doesn't mean I won't try to make friends and to help people and to produce something meaningful from my life...It just means that every little step, every little interaction, every detail doesn't matter as much as it does in my head. It means there's something beautiful and joyful about just existing and as long as I get to exist, it will be okay. In these moments I stop needing validation, stop needing some sort of proof that people like me, proof that I'm successful in some concrete way.

But even though I can remember these moments so vividly, I can't recapture the feeling on command. I can only wish for it to come back. This whole week I've been slightly dampened, for no apparent reason. Everything has mattered just a little too much -- whether the students like me, whether people reply promptly enough to my emails, how messy my kitchen is and how daunting the idea of actually cleaning it is, whether the other ALTs invite me to hang out. I went for a walk tonight by the water and I was hoping for that flash to come. It was a nice walk. The sky was beautiful. I saw a few students who ran over and said Hi to me. But that feeling didn't come.

I haven't been updating this blog because no one reads it. If anyone ever tells me they actually read it, I'll go back to posting. Or, if you just email me and ask what's been up in my life, I'd be happy to babble. But it feels pointless to type out anecdotes here just so they'll fall into the great Void of things-online-that-no-one-sees.

Now I guess I'll go tackle my dishes and try to get the kitchen back in working order.

大切な人に唄いたい　聴こえているかも解らない
だからせめて続けたい　続ける意味さえ解らない

一人で見た真っ赤な空　君もどこかで見ただろうか
僕の好きな微笑みを　重ねて浮かべた夕焼け空