空に願う

I would say it happens several times a months. Sometimes more. Sometimes twice in one day. That I glance at a digital clock and it says 12:34. I decided long ago that wishes made at 12:34 are more likely to come true than those made at 11:11, no matter what anyone else says. (And can it be a coincidence that in the past seven or eight years, I can remember only a small handful of instances of catching a clock saying 11:11?)

For years I knew exactly what to wish for: for someone to fall in love with me. Sure it's a cliched wish. But every crush I'd ever had had been the kind where the thought of actually talking to him, let alone -- horror of horrors! -- letting him have the slightest inkling that I felt anything other than benevelent indifference toward him made me want to shrink into a dark hole. I could only daydream of one day finding someone who made me feel comfortable, someone I could love without embarassment. Who didn't think I was too geeky, or too chubby, or dumb for liking Rescue Rangers and Gummi Bears and finding GCDs of large numbers for fun and listening to folk music and caring about correct use of the subjunctive and everything else that I would try to hide when I wanted to appear cool. I wished for it every time.

And it happened. And I still knew exactly what to wish for: I want this to be real, I want him to keep liking me, to keep loving me, to have a real future, together, forever. For this not to be a dream, not to fade. My wishes centered on him, every time.

And it's happening. It's still real, he still wants to be with me, still loves me. I can see our future together, and it feels right.

And now, when it's 12:34, I don't know what to wish for. Shouldn't there be anything you care about other than romance, you ask? Of course, but these wishes have always been reserved for that slice of my life; I could wish for my grandmother's hip surgery to go well, or for my brother to get into a good college, or for the Mets to stop losing, or for Obama to win...but I feel these things aren't in the jurisdiction of the spirits of 12:34.

I am writing this post because twenty-six minutes ago I glanced at the clock and again felt confusion. Because right now, my wishes contradict each other. I'm afraid of what I most want to wish for, because it's a wish I don't want to come true. And so far, all of my 12:34 wishes have come true.

That's a scary power when what I want isn't logically consistant.